This concept seems like one that could cause some pretty bad psychological damage in the listener. I am sure that was not the intent, but regardless, the risk seems to be there.

Hello! Thanks for posting your script and inviting comments. This comment makes two suggestions. #1) Pace, then lead. #2) Set an anchor.

PACE THEN LEAD:
It's nice to see a script that uses the permissive style of hypnosis rather than the old-school 'authoritarian' style. It's a pleasant surprise, considering the subject-matter. But even with the permissive style, your words must set the pace. For example, the phrase "If you're listening to this file, I guess you have some interest in being hypnotised" can be replaced with "You're listening to this file because you have an interest in being hypnotised". These words set the pace for your listener. And after setting the pace, you can lead the listener to your next important point... "You want to be led into trance". Go ahead and keep all the 'comfort' statements that assure the listener they're in-control. But as a hypnotist you must manage the pace.

SET AN ANCHOR:
Before giving suggestions that are emotion-based, I recommend you "warm-up" the neural pathways in your listener's minds. Everyone has had secrets that were exciting - and a little embarrasing too. Tell a story about one of your own (embellished, perhaps). Then, invite the listener to remember thier own secrets. THAT'S WHEN YOU ESTABLISH YOUR ANCHOR PHRASE. And then you move on. As you give suggestions that rely on the listener's emotions - USE THE ANCHOR PHRASE.

I hope these suggestions will give ideas for developing a recording that makes you incredibly proud.